International Travel: must haves #2

Legal Motorcycling in France Checklist

Here’s a really short, complete, if wildly inaccurate list of the things you need to have or have done to reduce the chance to less than 50% of going to prison (I’m too pretty), being fined very heavily (too pretty again) or suffering significant inconvenience and irritation (too pretty still for the former, the latter, if you include chaffing, is an occupational hazard when this pretty).

I’m really not sure why, but I could not find any single source of information that admitted to being any of the above (short, complete and/or, wildly inaccurate) and so to address that gap in Google’s knowledge I present here my complete, unabridged and unfettered findings.

If you can’t tick all of these boxes then you will almost certainly end up regretting putting any kind of distance between you and the Great British cuppa.

[] Hi viz vest:

This really needs to be on you… if you don’t want to wear one then make sure you can get it and put it on without getting off your seat. If you get pulled over and you’re not wearing it, try to remain on the seat and let the Gendarmes come to you… if you get off and you’re not wearing a vest then you are committing more heinous offence and the fine gets much bigger. They are cheeky man,

[] Helmet retro-reflective stickers:

Not strictly required to be fitted to existing helmets (new ones sold in France require one of a minimum size on each “side” of the helmet, so four required) but cheap and easy to fit and will save hassle if the cops are gunning for you. Man when the pigs are after me it’s a bitch.

[] Pollution Sticker:

Now that’s a new one. Paris, Lyons and Grenoble require all vehicles even foreign registered ones with two wheels and an engine to have one displayed on the front. Big fines for non-compliance and you could be refused entry. Apparently 30 other cities in France are in the queue to do the same. Applying for the sticker is easy and quite cheap but it can take weeks to arrive so don’t leave it until the last minute like everything else.

[] Bulbs:

Yes, we all know this one. Even if you can’t fit them you need them but you don’t need to worry about LEDs these of course never fail and so the French hold them in such high regard that you can flaunt a single set of these with without fear of recrimination.

[] First Aid Kit:

OK – not strictly a legal requirement but better safe than sorry. I’ve discovered that there is a satisfying British Standard for vehicle  first aid kits and they come in different sizes depending on the number of passengers you’re likely to be carrying and/or the accident you’re anticipating.

[] GB Sticker:

Check to see if your number plate has the blue EU sign on it; if not a couple of quid gets you a beautiful self-adhesive version.

[] Breathlysers:

Presumably, just in case you’re so pissed you break the first one trying to spit into it, you are required to have two. But again, everyone knows this one now. They do expire of course… last year’s packet might not keep you out of trouble, like an old condom.

[] No Radar Detectors or Speed Camera Warnings:

Make sure your Sat Nav is disabled in this respect – you should know this one too by now.  If only Sean Connery had taken his stolen submarine to France for the summer instead of the Atlantic Ocean (as depicted in his autobiographical film Red October) he might have assured himself that the Americans, having disabled all of their detectors, would never have kept up with him.

[] Vehicle Registration Document – V5:

It has to be the original (see also Jacobs Cream Crackers) but also take a copy too (see below)

[] UK Driving Licence Photo Card:

And you’d better make sure your bloody photo is up to date – they expire and it’s up to £1000 fine! Plus if it’s out of date the constable could get picky.

[] Insurance:

You’d be really stupid not to make sure you’re insured to ride the bike outside Ingerland – get some travel insurance too. Moneysavingexpert knows how to do everything properly but cheaply.

[] Proof of insurance:

Well der. Take your certificate of insurance and any policy info that’s important – like how to make a claim.

[] Passport:

Jesus, man what’s wrong with you?

AND THERE’S MORE…

There’s quite few extra things on this list that will just go to show others how clever you are in every situation. Not like Bear Grylls. Better than him.

[] Photocopies of all important documents:

Roll these up tightly and put them in a very safe place in case you loose any of the originals.

[] Get your international Health Card:

Free and very handy if you need to have a tightly rolled-up bunch of documents pulled from your arse by a clinician. But again, don’t leave it to the last minute.

 

[] Breakdown cover

Could be in with your insurance… you might want to check you and the trusty machine would be brought home safely if you really broke it.

[] Tyre Repair Kit and Inflator:

Slime is good and comes highly recommended by the Captain. If you buy a compressor to re-inflate your tyre make sure you can plug it in! Some kits have cans of compressed gas, like having your own Sodastream, but check how many cans you will need to fill the tyre on your shiny, if flat, steed. Remember, if it’s less than hard it’s not much use.

[] Mini Fuel Cans

I love these man. I have two half-litre Fuel Friends like the hard red gonads from Optimus Prime. Two of them to allow for perfect balance (at least that’s what Optimus said). The above Captain showed me the merits of having a little bit of a petrol station in your saddlebag. I have a little collapsible silicon funnel too!

[] Spare Keys and keyless padlocks

Squeezed into a secret safe place should be a spare ignition key and why not try using combination padlocks instead of having more keys that are painful to secrete (see also health card above)?

[] Spare pair of Gloves

This is a good one – imagine the disaster if you dropped one of your motorcycle gloves! Plus you can always use them as a dry pair if the French succeed in raining on your parade.

[] Head Torch

This is a torch – that goes on your head! Can you believe it? Izit?

[] Tell your Bank and Phone People

Do not end up putting your card into the ATM and discovering it might as well be a slice of lemon.

[] Look both ways before crossing the road

I like this tip. I use it most of the time.

[] Get a babysitter

If you are likely to be leaving your children at home whilst you travel to France remember that for anything more than a week you should consider a babysitter. These will ensure that Social Services can be deceived and if you pick a strict one then you won’t come home to a mess. Everyone’s a winner.

[] Put some food down for the pets

Pets can be inconvenient, like children (see above) but if you open several tins at a time and hide them around the house this will ensure that the little critters are both entertained and fed (without over-feeding if you hide them well). Note that this won’t work with fish. They are really rubbish at finding stuff (see Finding Nemo) ,

I hope that now you will agree with me that the French have made motorcycling a simple pleasure free from over-burdensome  rules and regulations.

I for one will maintain adequate and artificially elevated levels of lithium in my system as a direct result. I tried the fail safe homeopathic remedy used by motor-cross champions to control my anxieties but in the end I preferred a less fraudulent medication.