Hardly Dangerous

They do say that everyone should try it at some point, just to see what it’s like. I’m talking of course about the so-called Harley Davidson so-called Motorcycle so-called Company (HDMC) range of so-called products.

Part of my journey to the bikers’ shack involves me getting inside the head of my potential customers – and it is possible that a Harley rider might take the bike out far enough to reach me one day.

Until last week I had only ever sat on my heating engineer’s Harley and marvelled at the sight of my toes set out on a plate in front of me (not to mention the inordinate amount of cash he had to spend) – but I had never actually ridden one of these things.

It all changed when I was checking the weather. I love the sheer excitement of the Met Office app especially when you switch from the “precipitation” to “feels like” view and there’s a kind of thrill unlike any other… which brings me right back to the Hardly Dangerous.

 

The Met Office, bless them, sell adds and today the HDMC got there first with a stonking offer:

Essentially, HDMC were offering a free prize draw to win seven days at their 115th anniversary bash in Prague with bike hire and hotel! All you had to do was book a test ride – what did I have to lose man?

Well, have I ever mentioned that there’s no such thing as a free lunch? It’s true. Whilst on the face of it, going out for an hour’s ride on a Harley in return for a chance to win 7 days in a Prague hotel with a bike thrown in simply did not seem to have a downside… I actually thought I had a free lunch!

 

Another one of my favourite sayings is “the answer is in the question” and as usual the cost of that lunch was staring me in the face: I actually had to spend an hour riding a Harley Davidson.

I did get an opportunity to pick my model and I chose the one at the top of this blog – the Roadster with a 1200cc Harleyengine* but they subsequently phoned me a downgraded me to an Iron (see below) with an 883cc Harleyengine – the excuse being that the local store (Robin Hood) doesn’t have the Roadster as a demo machine.

Hey, look at it, looks pretty good and you know what? An almost-900cc engine is pretty big in the bike world. Right? My Z1000 is only just a bit bigger and that’s a beast. Plus both the Roadster and the Iron are both from the Sportster range so come on, exciting yes?

If I had closed my eyes then this is the iron I thought I was sitting on. Or at least is would have been but for the noise.

 

 

Harleys make a great noise. At least I used to think they did and at this point in the journey that was still my belief. It would change.

My first shock was seeing something completely alien to my senses. As I pulled out onto the main road and revved that burbling earsplitter I watched a van pulling away from me up ahead. “Can’t be” I said out load (although you would never have heard me). I gave it more welly but, well, there was less welly available than at a cut-price welly stall at Glastonbury after a wet weekend. It did cross my mind that the 883 was Iron-ic (get it?) and that in fact it was a 388cc engine. Nope – it was a great big Harleyengine*.

Another catch phrase I like to use was picked up from a South African who, upon opening a Christmas present to discover a battery-powered head massager, switched it on and exclaimed with child-like wonderment “It really vibrates, hey!?” (you need to say it with the accent).

The sound and feel of the Iron 388 really made me consider swapping it for a more sophisticated ride. This one, for instance, has all the styling of the Iron but with more horsepower and slightly less vibration. It can also cut grass.

Less than half a mile up the road it crossed my mind that I could just turn it around and take it back… but I thought better of it and decided to give it a proper chance. So that I did… for an hour I rode it around out in the countryside on some of my favourite local roads.

It was pretty much bang on one hour. About half way though I overtook a car. A little while after that the vibration shook the left wing mirror lose and I had to let it just flap around for the rest of the journey.

I have discovered the correct way to ride a Harley. After pulling away (gently) get into top gear (avoiding tendon damage on the left leg whilst hefting the clutch lever around) and just stay there. Doesn’t matter what your speed is, what the road or other traffic is doing – just don’t change gear or, if you can manage it, don’t even try to accelerate or decelerate. Just sit there.

This has also made me realise who would want to ride a Harley Davidson. That would be a person that doesn’t really want to be bothered riding a proper motorcycle.

After what seemed like about two years, I pulled back into the shop car park and gratefully stepped off the Iron 833. The sales person asked m how I got on and I really thought that he needed to know.

I told him that there was not a single aspect of the test ride that I could speak positively about:

• the power is, well, absent,
• the brakes are terrible (in fact I told him that they might as well know a few hundred quid off the price and remove the ABS because there’s no way you’re going to lock those wheels),
• the clutch and gear changing was horrendous and explains why Harley “riders” have surprisingly muscular left legs,
• the vibration was almost unbearable (explaining perhaps why the Hells Angels so often give the bird with their stubby middle fingers… they are not trying to be offensive but instead attempting to stave off vibration-white-finger).

Without a word of a lie or paraphrase he said to me in a quiet voice “Yeah, we get that a lot”. He explained why he became a Harley rider – he used to ride superbikes but got old and worried, not about injury to his person but about getting speeding tickets. Yes – he became a Harley Davidson motorcycle fan to avoid going very fast (see, I told you).

All of this leads to the conclusion that the noise of the engine is no longer a good thing. It’s like pulling up at the lights with a machine that sounds like a very hungry lion only for everyone to be bitterly disappointed to watch an arthritic warthog lumber off – it’s just embarrassing. Of course, if a hungry lion really did stop at the lights next to you then this turn of events would be far from disappointing. But I’m relying on metaphor not natural selection – which incidentally ought to have eradicated Harley Davidson “riders” by now.

My conclusion – Harley riders spend their money and time avoiding having to expend effort and energy riding a motorcycle hence they would be highly likely to stay for an extended period in my cafe to avoid going out again: welcome you lot!

 

*I use the term Harleyengine because HDMC appear to have invented a very special engine, unlike any other I’ve ever come across. Thye seem to be able to create massive capacity engines whilst still avoiding any actual power output: a kind of reveresed perpetual motion machine – I don’t know how they do it.